I'm often asked by those who attend my "Live Alone and Thrive" workshops whether I would ever get married again. My answer is unequivocally "yes," and more often than not, people are surprised by my answer. I like the question, because it gives me a chance to remind everyone that being successful at living alone doesn't mean one needs to abandon the idea of building and sharing a life with someone special.
I've said it before and it bears repeating: Living alone doesn't mean being alone. Many people satisfy their need and desire to be with people by developing a great group of friends, including family members. Others want more, and long for romance and the exclusive domain of a loving relationship. It is to this latter group that I dedicate this column.
If the idea of dating in mid-life following the loss of a long-term relationship or marriage seems daunting, know that you are not alone. I've talked with many older women and men whom have resigned themselves to "terminal single-hood," after having tried unsuccessfully to enter the dating scene. It only takes a few disappointments and rejections to send people running for the hills. But like any challenge, if you approach dating with thoughtfulness and care, a satisfying and lasting relationship is possible at any age.
Below are a few tips I've assembled from my own experience and the experiences of others that may help you jump-start your search for a loving companion:
Define what dating means to you. If you haven't dated in years (perhaps in decades), the term "dating" may suggest the first in a lock-step progression leading to marriage. These days, dating is, well, dating. And you can define it anyway you like. Maybe you just want a date for a work event. Perhaps you'd be happy with a number of companions with whom you could enjoy movies, dinner, intimacy, etc. Or you may be on a serious quest to find a new life partner. Your definition - your dating goal - will shape the style and pace of your search.
Know what you're looking for. The February issue of Oprah magazine includes an article titled, "The Love List," in which the author details her experience of writing down a 100 things she wanted in a man, and then - lo and behold - having the man of her dreams stroll into her life. Was it coincidence? Magic? Who knows, but the exercise has merit. Thinking about what you want as well as what's unacceptable will help you refine your search and improve your chances of finding a compatible partner.
Be yourself. This is no time to try and become the person you wish you were or you think others will find attractive. One of the advantages of being a little older is self-awareness and the confidence to be who you truly are. Accept and embrace yourself "as is." Pretending to be otherwise will only compromise your chances of meeting someone who loves you just the way you are.
Spread the word. If you want to meet someone, make your search a priority and let friends and family know you're looking. Don't be apologetic about expressing your desire to find a companion. It might sound like this: "You know it's been a while, and I'm feeling ready to meet someone. May I ask a favor? Would you keep me in mind if you run into someone you think might be a good fit for me?" Other ways to spread the word include posting a personal ad in print or on a matchmaking website, or by subscribing to a dating service. Having had no experience with these methods, I can only offer this bit of cautionary advice: It's potentially risky, so take precautions. Conduct book, periodical or Web searches to find useful information about the best ways to protect yourself.
Put yourself with like-minded people. Do you like to dance? Are you an athlete? Is reading your passion? We all like being with people who share our interests and one way to kick-start your dating adventure is to attend social functions that attract the kind of partner you are looking for. Now's the time to join clubs and groups whose members include potential partners. It could be a book club, a hiking group just for singles, dance lessons that don't require partners, or support groups or organizations that cater to divorced or widowed men and women. To be successful, you need to get out of the house.
Have fun and keep your expectations in check. We've all suffered the occasional bad date or rejection, but that shouldn't stop you from meeting new people and pursuing that special someone. Dating, just like networking for a new job, can put you in the company of interesting, stimulating people. Even if your heart doesn't go pitter-patter, you'll be out in the world and expanding your experiences and circle of friends. So give it a whirl. Gather your courage, pick up the phone and enjoy the experience.
