In today’s column, I would like to discuss a very, very painful subject: hair removal.
I don’t know about other women, but with swimsuit season fast approaching, I’ve been mulling over three things: (1) how much to remove, (2) how to remove it, and (3) how many elephant tranquilizers it will take to subdue me during the process.
For the record, I’m not big on hair removal. Aside from some lame-o hair-removal gel that my daughter made me buy from an infomercial, I have never used anything stronger than a razor to tackle the delicate down that populates my legs.
But, according to a recent fashion article, my minimal and archaic approach to body hair is no longer good enough. Nosiree. If I want to stay current and run with the sleek crowd, I’ll need to nuke off more than just my leg hair.
Holy freezing forearms!
The article conjectured that today’s woman is caught up in a rapid frenzy to remove as much hair as possible because we want to distinguish ourselves from men and because (gulp) we’re getting hairier.
Distinguish ourselves from men? Uh, excuse me, but if we’re relying on a hairless body to physically distinguish ourselves from men, then something’s going on out there that I’m not aware of. Besides, whatever happened to good ol’ lipstick? Wouldn’t that be a whole heck of a lot easier than plucking our torsos rawer than a Thanksgiving turkey?
And what’s this razzamatazz about women getting hairier? I don’t mean to boast, but I possess the kind of keen observational skills that would pick up on this trend.
Furthermore, I would have no problem telling a friend that she’s giving Cheetah a run for his money. I have
seen or done neither. And, believe me, I would remember a chin hair the length of a porcupine’s quill.
So, frankly, I’m not exactly sure why so many women are buzzing their birthday suits bald, but they are. And they’re doing it in ever-violent ways! Ways that would make a grown man run to mama!
I can think of two methods that give my hair roots the heebie-jeebies: electrolysis and waxing. Although I, personally, have shunned both – I want to live, okay? – the one that makes my skin crawl all the way to China is electrolysis.
As you may know, electrolysis involves killing the actual root by electrocuting it. What the root must first do is commit the heinous crime of growing a wisp of hair. Once that felony has been committed, the aesthetician pokes it with a knitting needle, asks what it would like for its last meal, and then shocks it with enough voltage to level a forest. And to think: This must be repeated over and over!
Waxing, on the other hand, uproots the hair from its follicles in one agonizing swoop. For this procedure, a woman is led into a soundproof booth, where she is given her last rites and then slathered with molten wax. Once the wax has hardened to the consistency of tar, the aesthetician begins the wretched r-r-r-rip. Some say the sounds that escape a woman’s mouth during this procedure have been known to topple a skyscraper.
On second thought, I’m good with my hair. And despite what psychologist Dr. Susan Basow discovered in
a recent study – “that women with body hair are perceived to be more aggressive” – I’m okay with that, too.
Fact is, I could stand to be seen as more hard-line, especially when it comes to asking for what I want.
On that note: I hope my unibrow gets me the pay raise I sorely deserve!
Originally published in Messenger Post Newspapers
