My self-esteem took a real nose-dive after my divorce. I felt exposed and embarrassed. It was as if my personal and private failure at a relationship had become very public. I just wanted to hide. And hide I did! I hid in my work. I hid in my house. I hid in my books.
Divorce - even a fairly amicable divorce - can really knock the wind out of your self-confidence. If you are suffering from the fallout of a failed married and are in hiding, as I was, know that you are not alone.
Regaining my self-confidence was a slow process and painful at times, but ultimately very rewarding. The process started with "baby steps."
While I am a huge believer in positive thinking, I intuitively knew I wouldn't be able to talk myself into more confidence. I knew I would have to work at it. I knew I would have to build my confidence back up one success at a time. And that's when I discovered the healing power of a "to do" list.
During the dreary days following my divorce, I found the simple act of writing things down and checking them off actually helped me get through my day. At the time, my list was pitifully basic: get dressed, make my bed, water the plants. That list looks pretty silly now, but anyone who has endured a painful divorce knows just what I'm talking about. The simplest tasks can seem insurmountable. So I would pick an item on my list, do it, check it off, and then go on to the next item.
Remarkably, this process of articulating and accomplishing my mini-goals began to have a real and positive impact on my day and on my self-esteem. Committing things to writing had amazing power. My "to do" list served to motivate me. It held me accountable. And it enabled me to see and track my progress and success. And darned if I didn't feel better at the end of the day after checking off 18 items!
To this day, I create a "to do" list on a weekly basis and still get a confidence boost when I accomplish a mini-goal and check it off the list. This practice has been so rewarding and self-affirming that I now employ a goal-setting process for my bigger life plans. In fact, I created a "no excuses goal worksheet" for my larger projects, plans and dreams. My worksheet captures what every goal should be: written down; expressed in positive, affirming language; assigned specific steps and deadlines; achievable; and, when met, rewarded.
Here's an example:
Goal statement:
I will (gulp) entertain again, even though it's been years and the thought of it frightens me. Specifically, I will invite some friends over for a Memorial Day picnic.
Action steps and timetable:
- I will share my goal with my best friend and ask for help
By April 20 - I will have her over for a planning session
By April 27 - I will purchase invitations and get them in the mail
By May 11 - I will plan the picnic menu and make the food purchases
By May 23 - I will clean my house and patio and put up the badminton set
By May 26 - I will prepare the food and take care of last-minute details
By May 27 - I will warmly greet my friends and family at the door!
By May 28 (Memorial Day)
Reward:
I will feel extraordinarily good about myself when I accomplish my goal and I'll reward myself with a . . . (fill in the blank!).
Goals can give your life direction and purpose. And they can put passion into your everyday existence, which is especially important for those who live alone.
It may take some time before you regain your footing and self-esteem. Chances are, you'll takes some detours and encounter some bumps along the way. But I have found that setting and accomplishing mini-goals and eventually larger life goals is the key to regaining self-confidence. Actually doing (vs. wishing and hoping) worked for me, and it can work for you, too. That's "my secret."
