Falling off the social circuit is a real possibility when you live alone. The fear of walking into an event alone or the discomfort of being that "third wheel," can keep lots of single women home alone on Friday and Saturday nights. Don't I know it!
It was years ago, but I still remember the dismal details. I was invited to a distant-relative's wedding. It was not long after my divorce and I was -- amazingly, under the circumstance -- kind of excited about going. I like weddings and I was looking forward to reconnecting with some folks I hadn't seen in some time. Plus, it was a reason to dress up and get out of the house.
I pulled up to the church, parked, and sat safely in my car. I assessed the parking lot, looking for familiar vehicles and faces, and watched for someone I knew. And so I waited . . . and watched. I watched couples walking in together, one couple after the next, and slowly felt my temperature rising and my courage falling. I began to think, what am I doing here? And the "poor is me's" began to take over. I sat there in my pretty little dress and pumps, unable to muster the courage to enter the church alone. I started the car and returned home to my empty apartment, feeling sorry for myself.
Disappointed with myself, I vowed not to let my fears and insecurities keep me confined to my home and to my safe circle of protective friends. I decided I wasn't going to miss out on life's adventures, just because I was single.
Learning to do things alone and to actually enjoy myself took some time and practice, and mostly resolve. Here are a few things I learned along the way that might help you venture out on your own and find more pleasure in your solo outings.
Stop caring what other people think
Part of what kept me from going out to eat alone or to a movie by myself was my concern about what people would think me - or more appropriately what I thought they would think of me. Didn't I have any friends? Was I undesirable company? Or worse, on the prowl? Overcoming self-conscious thinking was essential to my moving forward and out of my house.
Here's something to consider: What do you think, when you see someone walking into an event alone or sitting by themselves in Starbuck's reading the paper? Do you assign negative attributes to them? Probably not. You probably don't give it a second thought. Or maybe you even secretly admire their confidence and ability to enjoy their own company. Keep this in mind next time your fears and doubts keep you from venturing out alone.
Expand your social circle
If you've fallen off the social circuit, it's your responsibility to climb your way back on. You need to make the first move. One of the best ways to find your way back onto invitation lists is to embrace the theory of reciprocity - you invite people into your world, and they will, in turn, invite you into theirs. No need to go over board. Just inviting a few friends over for coffee, a cookout, or to watch a sports event on TV will get the ball rolling. Do this often enough and your phone will start ringing again. Your social network will begin to grow and will find yourself enjoying the company of good friends, both old and new, before you know it.
Be prepared to bump into your "ex"
Concerns about running into an ex-spouse or significant other at a social event can also keep single people from enjoying an active social life. If that's your challenge, my suggestion is to be prepared. Anticipate and visualize running into your ex. See yourself handling the encounter with grace and, most importantly, brevity. A few pleasantries and a "Take care" will help you move past the encounter in a relatively painless manner. Bumping into an ex is inevitable, so gear up, grin and bear it, and get going on your way.
Walk in alone with confidence
I still don't like it. Even after all these years of living alone and attending social engagements on my own, I still don't relish the thought of walking into an event by myself. In fact, I developed a helpful little five-step formula to ease my way. It has never failed me, and you may want to adopt and/or adapt this formula for yourself. (1) I pull up to an event and gather my thoughts in my car. (2) I repeat my mantra "All I need is within me now." (3) I take some deep breaths. (4) I remind myself to be myself, to be sincere, and to be curious about others. (5) I enter the event and make a beeline for the host, to say "hello" and to ask for an introduction to another, if I'm surrounded by strangers.
Once I've made connection with the host or another attendee, I'm off and running, and can enter into universally accepted small-talk subjects: books, travel, food, movies, and sports. A little pre-planning can go a long way in these situations.
Feeling good about living alone often mean confronting some very practical and emotional challenges. Socializing in a couples' world is among them. But, once mastered, it gets easier and easier. Even fun. Before you know it, you'll again feel warmly integrated into the world and perhaps even appreciate the life-enriching challenge that living alone has offered.
